Doris Bailey
"They upchucked in our car." (Four Walls and a Roof Part One)
Grace Bailey
(Grace)
"Do you have another Chiclet?" (Judd) "I hope you're
not swallowing these. They'll just tie up your innards like a
rubberband." (Four Walls and a Roof part two)
"I garden
a lot. I find it's good for the fresh air, but not so good for the
hands as they get rough... and chaffed..." (Four Walls and a
Roof part two)
"It's not much, but it's the little victories that keep you going until something comes along." (No Way of Telling)
(Grace) "He couldn't have taken the purse, I was in the kitchen the whole time." (May) "Half the time, you don't know if you're coming or going." (No Way of Telling)
"Now, if I were a purse, where would I be?" (No Way of Telling)
"All right, no more down in the dumping, boys." (A Family of Independent Means)
(Hub) "Aunt Grace, you almost winged the chipmunk!" (Grace) "Aaawww, clear the road!" ~honks~ (A Family of Independent Means)
“The men I know- oh, they're so polished, so nice.” (My Dog Pal)
“We'll get it done lickety-split!” (Train to Nowhere)
“Well, my temperature rose just thinking about lying to her.” (Aunt Grace's Wedding)
“Suit yourself, but I won't be here to pick up the pieces when this blows back up in your face.” (Many Happy Returns)
"Well, it's no slide down the mud shoot." (The Champ)
(Del) "The steps could use a little salt." (Grace) "Yeah, they are kind of slippy." (Ghost of a Chance)
"Dear Diary, Grace Bailey is an idiot." (Ghost of a Chance)
"Honey might come home o a court order to close her shop and an eviction notice for the flat..." (A Ghost of a Chance)
"Well, that will finish mother off for good!" (All that Human Hearts Endure)
(Grace) “You never cease to amaze me mother.” (May) “Good, it keeps people on their toes.” (Smiling Through)
"Calm
down! Calm down! Luc! Luc! Can I borrow your car? I have to find Max
at the school. He's at the mine having a baby!" (Smiling
Through)
(Dr. Barlow) “Is your mother alright?”
(Grace) “I don't know! She's alone with Honey and they're
having a baby!” (Smiling Through)
"Honestly, Max! A young millionaire isn't going to be the worst thing that happened to me today!" (The Resurrection of May)
"Ooh! I feel all tingly! I hope it isn't a rash." (The Resurrection of May)
“What the heck, it might be a kicker!” (The Resurrection of May)
"Why doesn't Bette Davis ever slop?" (The Resurrection of May)
"Follow that car! Oh, I can't believe I actually said that." (The Resurrection of May)
(May) "Did you eavesdrop from the roof?" (Grace) "No, no, I was under his bed." (The Resurrection of May)
(Grace) "A cedar? A cedar!!?? Del, I'm obviously a willow because I'm so good natured and bendable. Why on earth would you say cedar?" (Del) "Because you smell so good." (Grace) I'll give him cedar too." (The Long Weekend)
(Maisey) "As Hub always says, you only squabble with the ones you love." (Grace) "Which merely explains why more people shoot their spouses than perfect strangers." (The Long Weekend)
(Grace) "Oh, say it mother, or I'll give you a kiss in the middle of the street." (May) "I'm proud of you, Grace." (My Beautiful Mom)
(reading a letter from Orvie Potts) "If you can speak with the dead, get in touch." (The Crystal Skull)
"That's the worst idea you've ever had." (The Crystal Skull)
Toppy:
"Do you feel anything?"
Grace: "Other than a
complete idiot."
"I could threaten to bash his head in."
(The Crystal Skull)
"Why don't you just auction me off at the town square and be done with it?" (The Strap)
Grace: "Mother usually doesn't do things like this..." (Jim) "Interfere?" (Grace) "No, she does that." (The Strap)
(Marjorie) “Funny, you know, I thought Ollie would be the last guy in town for me.” (Grace) “by process of elimination, I'm sure he is.” (Marathon)
"You guys should run along. Max is probably wondering where his baloney is." (All this and Heaven)
"Oh my goodness, I haven't been over to this side of the lake in a donkey's age!" (All This and Heaven Too)
"Pritchard, are you in love? You are! Oh well that does it. What's her name?" (It Don't Mean a Thing)
"I'm a shiny, new sports coup." (A Girl in Trouble)
"It's just that Ollie... and then Marjorie was standing there, and I'm so stupid! stupid! stupid!" (A Girl in Trouble)
"So, he likes me; I'm a likable person!" (The Shadow Boxer)
Henry (Fat) Bailey
"I think to trap beavers, you need traps." (Four Walls and a Roof part two)
"How can you tell if it's a beaver, or just mud?" (Four Walls and a Roof part two)
(Fat) "She's got a big, fat mouth!" (May) "You've got a pretty big one yourself." (My Dog Pal)
(Fat) “What would you say if we went to live with the Eskimos?” (May) “I'd think God help the Eskimos.” (Moonshine Struck)
"Why does she [Suzanne] like a jerk like Hub?" (Moving Mountains)
“Oh, mom, you can yell at him all you want. I'll plug my ears.” (Back in My Arms Again)
(Fat) "Hey, Aunt Grace, there's your boyfriend!" (Grace) "Yes, Fat, I see him. Thank you." (Ghost of a Chance)
(Fat) “You brought us a dress?” (Cousin Jessie) “No those are kilts, all the real men of Scotland wear kilts.” (Fat) “What do the real women wear?” (A Meeting of the Clan)
“This was my first time driving an automobile. I need my rest.” (All that Human Hearts Endure)
(Hub) "What if the baby is a girl, doughhead. How many girls do you know with the name of Zack?" (Fat) "We could call her Zackarina." (Smiling Through)
"We're going to beat you fair, square, and sideways." (The Long Weekend)
"What do you see in those guys? They're a bunch of dopes." (The Forever Leap)
(Hub) "Fat, when are you going to grow up?" (Fat) "If it means being like you, I can't wait." (The Forever Leap)
(Fat) "Hi, I'm Fat!" (Doris's friend) "Don't be so hard on yourself, little boy." (My Beautiful Mom)
(Toppy)
"Orvie left you a hat?" (Fat) "I hope you're the same
size." (The Crystal Skull)
"Ever nifty!" (The
Crystal Skull)
(Fat singing) "Have you ever seen Aunt Grace stuffing her face down by the bay!" (Grace) "Hen-ry, very funny." (All This and Heaven Too)
"How come only tall people tell me that? Not one short person has ever told me to forget about my height." (A Girl in Trouble)
(Ollie) "Step lively fellas, the show must go on." (Fat) "Why is that anyway?" (Foolish Heart)
"Goodness, Callie! I had no idea that you had a burning desire to learn about all of my far-flung relatives." (Faith Healer)
(Maisey) "Fat, what's wrong with your Aunt Toppy?" (Fat) "She's crocked at half past eight in the morning." (A Family Again)
Fat (to Hub): "I can lend you six dollars, but I'll have to charge you interest." (A Formal Affair)
Hubert Bailey
“Uncle Joe is full of baloney.” (No Place Like Home)
“I wasn't chasing him. I was just following him kinda fast.” (Chasing Rainbows)
(Alice) “The door wasn't locked.” (Hub) “The door is never locked. The lock's broken.” (Marathon)
(Hub) "I didn't know you were buying a car, Aunt Grace." (Grace) "Neither did I." (A Girl in Trouble)
"Do you think I should stick by a friend in trouble or desert Alice like everyone else?" (A Girl in Trouble)
(Hub) "How should I tell Laura?" (Grace) "Well, to avoid snags in romance, they always suggest the direct approach." (Hub) "Does it work?" (Grace) "I don't know... I've never tried it." (A Formal Affair)
(Hub)
"You shouldn't be out here, Alice." (Alice) "Don't be
such an old lady." (A Formal Affair)
(Hub) "Well, was it
a boy or a girl?" (Lorna) "It was gas." (A Formal
Affair)
"That's right... it's me, Hub, the criminal." (A Wind at My Back Christmas)
(Hub) "It means the center of a wheel." (Anna) "That's what you are. You make yourself the center." (A Wind at My Back Christmas)
May Bailey
"I've been known to bite on occasion, but not in the first five minutes." (Four Walls and a Roof Part One)
(May) "It's that blessed woman!" (Grace) "What woman?" (Four Walls and a Roof)
(May) "I have plans. I can't lose my boys." (Grace) "They're not your boys." (Four Walls and a Roof part two)
"I should have had my head examined before I let you drive my car." (A Family of Independent Means)
"Oh, no more of your applesauce." (A Family of Independent Means)
"Oh, Bob, must you prattle on incessantly?" (Something from Nothing)
“When I saw that picture in the paper- good grief- I looked one hundred.” (No Place Like Home)
“That Max Sutton is a Bolshevik.” (Moving Mountains)
(May) “Nobody talks to me in this house!” (Grace) “No, we don't.” (Moving Mountains)
(Grace) “What's wrong with postcards?” (May) “Everybody reads them.” (Never Sleep Three in a Bed)
(Callie Cramp) "It seems I must come clean." (May) "Well, that's a nice change." (Radio Waves)
"Well done, Grace. I'm proud of you." (Radio Waves)
Oh stop pussyfooting around and just do it! (Careers)
"Grace, you can sit in the back with Cousin Jessie and decide whether I'm a slowpoke, a sourpuss, a fussbudget, or a stick in the mud." (Jessie) "Could be all of them." (A Meeting of the Clan)
“Is this supposed to be breakfast?” [to Nurse Harper] (Smiling Through)
(Grace) "It's too daring. I don't even know why I bought [the dress]" (May) "It's good to turn a few heads now and again. I turned some in my day." (Smiling Through)
"The only thing wonky around here is your inability to carry a tune." (Smiling Through)
"Sainsbury is a pompous fool, and Kendrick dancing around like a trained circus monkey." (The Resurrection of May)
“This is a beauty parlor, not a chamber of horrors.” (The Forever Leap)
(Grace) "Aren't we asking Mrs. Wanless in?" (May) "Absolutely not. I might ring her neck." (The Crystal Skull)
"Hardly
the time to call in the reserves." (The Crystal Skull)
"Some
people need to feel righteous; it helps them overlook their own
shortcomings." (The Crystal Skull)
"That miserable windbag!" (Public Enemies)
"Yes, well, we'll let those vultures know we're not dead yet.” (New Directions)
"If you and Iris want to charge around town, it's fine with me." (A Mission for Honey)
(Max) "Mrs. Bailey! You're not supposed to be here!" (May) "Yes, well, I seldom do as I'm told." (A Mission for Honey)
(Toppy) "Oh, I suppose you miss Grace." (May) "Well, I try to manage without her." (It Don't Mean a Thing)
"Doris, self pity is never attractive." (A Formal Affair)
"Doris, you don't beg, you demand. And that makes people disinclined to be generous. And you might be generous yourself once in a while." (A Formal Affair)
"If it's about that impudent scaliwag, I'm not interested." (Coming of Age)
Robert Bailey
(Bob) "You know mother always say, 'If a man wants a job, he'll find one.'” (Jack) "When did mother last look for a job?" (Four Walls and a Roof part one)
“Look on the bright side, mother, at least she's not making a living by robbing the bank.” (The Agony Column)
"What you know about the mine you could write on a doily." (All that Human Hearts Endure)
"Would you give me a sandwich without the bar-bar-bar-har-har-har? You sound like a terrier!" (The Long Weekend)
Toppy Bailey
"Me? I'm a doer. I do, do, do." (The Long Weekend)
“Would you like a nut, Bob.” [in a deep voice] “No thanks, Toppy, I married one.” (The Long Weekend)
"I think that thieves sneak in, not out." (Public Enemies)
(Archie) “I can't dance... I'm big... I'm lumbering...” (Toppy) “Don't say that! Who would tell you that?” (Archie) “Well, actually, lots of people.” (Marathon)
"Double-entry bookkeeping? I can't even do single-entry bookkeeping. I've got more lemon squares." (It Don't Mean a Thing)
"Mind? Why would I mind? How do you do that twirly around thing?" (It Don't Mean a Thing)
(Toppy) "You don't take liberties with any woman, but especially not a Bailey." (Mr. Frampton) "Back water blah, blah, blah. Outside of New Bushwhack no one gives a horse's behind about the Baileys." (A River Rages)
(Del) "Toppy, you look well." (Toppy) "I do?" ~pause~ "Well, I feel well." (The Shadow Boxer)
(Toppy) "I've been wondering why lately I've been feeling so much turmoil in my life." (Grace) "Toppy, that's because lately, you've been having a lot of turmoil." (Coming of Age)
Cousin Jessie Buchanen
"Well, if you can't travel fast enough, you might as well use a horse and buggy." (A Meeting of the Clan)
(Jessie) "Oh, no, I said a quarter to four. You'd see if you checked my letter." (May) "I believe I burned it.” (A Meeting of the Clan)
"Every party has a pooper and that is why we invite you." (A Meeting of the Clan)
"Well, good riddance to bad rubbish!" [to Nurse Harper] (Smiling Through)
Alden Cramp
"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't be able to blow your nose." (Radio Waves)
"When you gotta go, go with Cramps." (The Fever)
"Why can't you make Mrs. Cramp look more glamorous." (Coming of Age)
Callie Cramp
"I don't have to feel important; I am important." (Radio Waves)
"Let's play another polka!" (The Marathon)
(Honey) "I don't know, it might be to wild for New Bedford." (Callie) "Enh, then I can blame it all on you." (By Gosh or by Golly)
(Grace) "I think I'll run upstairs and slip it under his door." (Callie) "What kind of a joint do you think I'm running here? I don't let every little chippy run upstairs unescorted." (Smiling Through)
"Grace, I like you, but face it, most people don't." (The Resurrection of May)
"The charm of your participants has our listeners bleeding out their ears." (It Don't Mean a Thing)
Pritchard Flett
(Pritchard) "At least ovaltine is high in vitamins and nutrients." (Fat) "It doesn't look as though it's done you any good." (The Strap)
"Jumping Jeremiah!" (All This and Heaven Too)
(Pritchard)
"I fully realize that I am not quite thirteen, but I have made
an exhaustive anecdotal study of female pulchritude." (Grace)
"You have?" (All This and Heaven Too)
"Don't touch her you goon!" (All This and Heaven Too)
"My dad knows the secret weapon for women." (It Don't Mean a Thing)
(Pritchard) "Dad, is it possible for a couple to have as happy of an ending as Romeo and Juliet?" (Jim) "By the end of the story, Romeo and Juliet were dead." (It Don't Mean a Thing)
"My father's brain smart, not heart smart. Heart stuff scares him silly." (Foolish Heart)
(Pritchard to Fat)"I think we're going to become related!" (The Foolish Heart)
(Jim) "And no doubt Miss Bailey immediately accepted his advances." (Pritchard) "Yeah! Well, sorta... first she hiccuped... then got a smiley." (Coming of Age)
Leo McGinty
"I guess I- I could polish it... slick it up a bit and then I wouldn't have to call it junk, would I?” (Triple Trouble)
"You've got to give something to get something." (By Gosh or By Golly)
Maisey McGinty
"I'll bet you don't know why they [Cramps] go through it [dishes] so much. The through it at each other." (A Ghost of a Chance)
"You were screaming a blue miracle! It was priceless!" (A Ghost of a Chance)
(Maisey) "I don't got your stupid penny." (Hub) "Then why are you running?" (Maisey) "Because you're chasing me!” (The Forever Leap)
(Fat) “You've got to have beans for brains to jump off the bridge!” (Maisey) “That's probably why all the boys in this town have done it.” (The Forever Leap)
"Notice how she has the figure all of a sudden? Fill with cotton what the Lord hath forgotten." (The Fever)
"What are you looking at? Do I have dirt on my face?" (Public Enemies)
"You're no dope, Fat, but I wouldn't say you have an advanced mind." (A Girl in Trouble)
Old Roolie
(Old Roolie) "Do people still threaten to leave their children to the gypsies if they don't behave? Mine used to threaten to leave me with the people in town." (A Girl in Trouble)
(Old Roolie) "Cards, tea leaves, crystal balls, people prefer to put their faith in them instead of me." (A Girl in Trouble)
"Young man, you might be smart, but it's not smart to act superior." (A Girl in Trouble)
(Old Roolie) "Oh, pain, nothin'! It lets you know you're alive. And then it goes away and then where are you?" (Grace) "Better?" (Old Roolie) "DEAD!" (Grace) "That's a very interesting theory. I'd love to hear more about it another time." (The Shadow Boxer)
Del Sutton
(Hub) “How did you know it would work?” (Del) “I didn't. I have this- gift.” (Never Sleep Three in a Bed)
“Thanks, kid, you're a peach.” (Never Sleep Three in a Bed)
(Del) “You really like flying by the seat of your pants, don't you.” (Grace) “Who, me? ~pause~ I'd perish at the thought.” (The Agony Column)
"Grace, you think that everyone is nice." (The Champ)
"You are the sweetess, most selfless person I know." (Ghost of a Chance)
(Del)
“What are you doing out?” (Grace) “I'm just out for
some laughs.” (The Resurrection of May)
(Grace) "Del,
I need your help." (Del) "Was last night a real kicker?"
(The Resurrection of May)
"You're never lost if you know where you're going and you know where you've been; you're just somewhere between two points." (New Directions)
"Sometimes you have to face the wilderness." (New Directions)
Honey
Bailey Sutton
"I told you we needed to butter up our
suppliers... why is everything always on my shoulders, the books, the
kids, your brother was right, you don't pay attention to detail..."
(Four Walls and a Roof part one)
"Just because we're poor, doesn't mean we have to look poor." (Four Walls and a Roof part one)
(Grace) "I know! He could be Tarzan and you could be Jane!" (Honey) "Are you trying to give your mother a heart attack?" (Moonshine Struck)
“I appreciate your detective work, Mrs. Bailey...” (Moving Mountains)
“That old bird pulled a fast one on us this time, eh?” (Many Happy Returns)
"Well, is something brewing there other than tea?" (All that Human Hearts Endure)
Max Sutton
“You know, Percy, we're here to play tennis, so put your style where your mouth is.” (Moonshine Struck)
"So, does he ask you to play fetch and play dead too?" [about Percy] (Moonshine Struck)
“What! Now it has kinks!?” (Train to Nowhere)
"Grace, you've been handling your mother all these years, you can handle anybody." (Careers)
"Del, the sky isn't going to fall if Grace knows you're serious about her." (Smiling Through)
(Honey) "Well, you certainly don't give me much of a chance to get organized." (Max) "Honey, we're being spontaneous." (The Long Weekend)
“It (pinball) is a wonderful skill to have. It's a shame it's not useful.” (The Forever Leap)
(Max) “About the twenty cents, your mother is none the wiser.” (Hub) “I can't believe you did that for me!” (Max) “I didn't do it for you. I did it for your mother.” (The Forever Leap)
(Fat) "I know the bird part, but what do the bees have to do with it?" (Max) "Well what do the birds have to do with it?" (The Fever)
(Fat) "Maisey said it was some kind of fever." (Max) "Well, it's not a fever per say, it's ah, it's life." (The Fever)
(Hub) "What are you talking about?" (Max) "Life... isn't it grand?" (The Fever)
(Fat) "Can you learn so much your brain hurts?" (Max) "Sounds like a muscle that isn't getting exercised." (The Strap)
"That's very astute, Fat." (The Faith Healer)
Misc.
(Judd) "Here's a medicated comb. (Four Walls and a Roof part two)
“Some people think Bob will kill Archie, but that's not what I think. I think he'll kill both of them.” (gossip) (Train to Nowhere)
(Mrs. Whitney) “Unfortunately, Hubert, tyrants still exist, unlike my patience.” (Climbing Mountains)
(Honey) “I don't think Mrs. Cramp likes me too much.” (Hattie Olson) “That's because you're a lot prettier and need less make-up.” (Never Sleep Three in a Bed)
(Lorna McFarlane to Hub) “They're going south to find work... like a Bailey would care.” (The Resurrection of May)
(Althea Bridgeman) "If he were my husband, I'd have shot him and all the witnesses." (It Don't Mean a Thing)
(Alice) "It's Jake-Hub" (The Foolish Heart)
(Alice) "It sure wasn't no party at Norma's. I wouldn't be a farmer's wife for all the rice in China." (A Girl in Trouble)
(Ollie) "She's not fancy, but she's dependable, like you." (A Girl in Trouble)
(Dr. Barlow) "Oh, don't worry, I've seen patients far worse bounce back and terrorize their families for years." (Faith Healer)
11.13.09