My Beautiful Mom

~Outside Livestock Exchange~
Man: "Come help get this unloaded. Come on over here! There! Lets get working! Lets get this truck empty!"
Lady: "Hi, Honey!"
Honey: "Hi!"
~Honey enters the Livestock Exchange~
Honey: "Ooh! Lookin' good there, Gracie!"
Grace: "Honey, is this thing straight?"
Honey: "Pretty close!"
Grace: "Mother ran this fair for twenty-three years with never an imperfect sign. Prettys aren't close enough."
~Honey motions up, and Grace straightens the sign~
Max: "That's great. Thanks, Hub."
Hub: "Can I go now?"
Honey: "Well, hello men!"
Max: "Well, shouldn't you be finishing your costume for the pageant?"
Honey: "Don't you want this?"
~Honey hands Max a sandwich - the banner falls on Grace~
Grace: "Oh!"
Honey: "Oh, Hub, go give your aunt Grace a hand."
Hub: "Max said I was done."
Honey: "Hub, don't argue with me!"
Max: "You know, I did say he could go."
Honey: "Helping her for ten minutes isn't going to kill him! Besides, we know he's only going to the pool hall."
Max: "I thought we agreed to give him more rope? Poor Grace, trying to fill her mother's shoes, that's a tall order."
Honey: "Yeah, but I like this idea of a mom and baby beauty pageant. It's cute!"
Max: "Not that there's any contest for who's the most beautiful mom."
Honey: "Oh, you think that Mai Shriber has that all locked up, huh?"
' Max: "Not in your life."
Fat: "Comin' through!"
~Archie and Fat enter, carrying a large crate~
Archie: "Ah! Oh! Not a minute too soon, eh Grace?"
Grace: "Can you imagine a contest without a prize?"
Hub: "What exactly is the prize?"
Grace: "It's rocking horse with a hand-painted bone China head."
Archie: "Imported from England!"
Grace: "It's the exact replica of the horse that Queen Elizabeth rocked on."
Fat: "Oh geez! Ever swell!"
~the horse's head is broken~
Archie: "Oh oh! Grace, what do we do now?"
Grace: "~hiccups!"

~May's Parlor~
~Toppy is on the phone~
Toppy: "It would mean so much to me, baby. Doris, my mother gave a sixteenth birthday for me and her mother for her and I want to keep the tradition."
Doris: "Things have changed."
Toppy: "Well, yes, we did the chatis?? in my day. You'll want a swing band."
Doris: "I mean, who will be there?"
Toppy: "Your cousins, your friends..."
Doris: "What about Daddy?"
Toppy: "We'll ask him. ... I don't know. ... We'll talk about it when you get in tomorrow. I love you, Doris."
~hangs up and sees May watching~
~cut to Doris, who's at school~
Doris: "I must return to New Bedford. Mother's latest beau- such a cad!"
Bloor1: "From what you tell us, she's had rotten luck with men."
Doris: "I hope she doesn't become bitter."
Bloor2: "She sounds so avant-gaurde, your mother. Ours is so bourgeois."
Bloor1: "You're the only person we've ever known whose mother is a femme fatale. Gay divorcÚ."
Bloor2: "We must meet her one day."
Doris: "My mother! Of course, one day."
Bloor1: "This weekend!"
Doris: "This! I wouldn't drag you to New Bedford."
Bloor2: "Why not, your mother needs you, you need your friends."
Bloor1: "Lets pack!"

~Outside Honey's Salon~
Tucker: "This is supposed to be a barber shop. I was looking to get me a wash-up and shave."
Honey: "Well, you're about a year late. There's a hotel, just around the corner there."
Tucker: "Uh, that's okay. I'm dead strapped. I had a little run-in with a pick-pocket in North Bridge."
Honey: "In North Bridge! That's awful!"
Tucker: "It's nothing."
Honey: "Well, hey, if the sight of a bunch of ladies in curlers doesn't scare you off you're welcome to come in and use my sink."
Tucker: "Well, that's very kind! Tucker Findlay."
Honey: "Honey Sutton."
Tucker: "Huh! Just like the sign says."
~cut inside~
Marjorie: "I hear that you're entering the Mom and Baby Pageant."
Honey: "Yeah!"
Marjorie: "Um, I hear that you and Zack are going as Russians?"
Honey: "Well, that's odd! The theme is "The Sun Never Sets."
We're supposed to go as subjects across the British Empire. Marjorie, keep your head still, please."
Tucker: "Thanks for the use of your sink. Could you point me towards the fair?"
Honey: "Well, I'm afraid you're a day early."
Tucker: "Oh, I want to get a booth. I'm a photographer- class A portraits."
Marjorie: "Oh, are you here for the fall circuit?"
Tucker: "Last week North Bridge, this week New Bedford, next week Timbuktu."
Honey: "Well, you're going to have to see Grace Bailey. She's the one in charge of the booths."
Tucker: "Oh, let me guess, one of those hard-bitten dowager types."
Marjorie: "Yes."
Honey: "No, actually, she's one of those pretty cream-of-the-local-crop types."
Tucker: "Really. Well, I'm going to like this town."

~May's Home~
Toppy: "That was Grace on the telephone telling us not to wait supper. Last minute emergency at the fair grounds."
May: "Oh well. Something to brighten up the guest room."
Toppy: "Oh, Doris will be tickled."
May: "We will all enjoy them when she goes back to school on Sunday."
Toppy: "Mother Bailey, I thought maybe..."
May: "What is it, Toppy?"
Toppy: "I was hoping... Doris's birthday is next month. I thought we might plan a party."
May: "A party, Toppy!"
Toppy: "Maybe an afternoon tea and a dance. A girls sixteen... mother wants to make a fuss."
May: "I realize that, Toppy, but with things the way they are between you and Robert, don't you think a dignified and restrained dinner would be in order?"
Toppy: "I don't want Doris to suffer just because her father and I are having difficulties."
May: "That's precisely why she's better off at boarding school until you and Robert get back on track."
Toppy: "I miss her."
May: "I know. Come on."

~Livestock Exchange~
Fat: "Think of it as a puzzle."
Grace: "Without the fun."
Tucker: "I bet you're Grace Bailey. You have the look of an organizer."
Grace: "Well, looks can deceive, I guess."
Tucker: "I was told you're the one to see about display place."
Grace: "Oh, I'm sorry, but all of the display tables have been spoken for for weeks."
Tucker: "All I need is a few square feet to curtain off. I'm Tucker Findlay, portrait photographer."
Fat: "You're doomed, Aunt Grace."
Grace: "I know, I can hear Mother's 'I told you so.' already."
Tucker: "Horsey take a fall?"
Fat: "It was supposed to be the prize for the Beautiful Mother and Baby pageant."
Tucker: "Prizeless, huh? Well, how about one free sitting with the man whose head of photo portraits for Vanity Lane."
Grace: "Vanity Lane magazine?"
Tucker: "Absolutely!"
Grace: ~opens scrapbook~ ~gasps~ "Oh! These are good!"
Tucker: "Thank you."
Grace: "Um... well.. you.. um... You know... I could-could just move over the Fuji Isle tea a little bit."
Tucker: "Great."

~Sutton Apartment~
Honey: "I just want the contest to be a success. Grace is so worried that May thinks that beauty pageants are silly."
Max: "Ah, I see, it's all for Grace. You won't care if you win or lose."
Honey: "Of course I care."
Max: "Ah, vanity, thy name is Honey."

Grace: "His photos are featured in Vanity magazine... well, one that I know of."
Archie: "Well, will he, uh, buy his film from the pharmacy? We're getting into that line, you know."
Fat: "So what time is the contest?"
Honey: "It's after lunch. Oh, I left a sandwich for you and Violet in the lunch box. Where's Hub?"
Fat: "Hub."
Honey: "Your brother."
Bloor1: "How far is it to the downtown?"
Doris: "This is it."
Blor1: "I'll just hail us a taxi."
Honey: "Doris! You're home! Out for the fall fair? Hi!"
Doris: "Oh, these are my friends, Clarice and Frankie Bloor."
Bloor1: "And you are?"
Honey: "Well, that's me there! I'm Doris's aunt."
Bloor1: "A family with its very own beautician."
Fat: "Hi, I'm Fat!"
Bloor2: "Don't be so hard on yourself, little boy."
Doris: "No, that's his name."
Fat: "We're cousins."
~Toppy drives up~
Toppy: "I'm so sorry, baby."
Doris: "Mother, I've brought some friends home from school."
Toppy: "Oh! Friends! Well, I hadn't planned... welcome to New Bedford! Hop aboard! The one day the trains on time, girls, and I'm up to my elbows in dish water. Good luck this afternoon, Honey."
Honey: "Thanks!"

~May's Home~
Toppy: "Here we are! Come on! Home sweet home!"
Bloor2: "How charmingly rural."
Bloor1: "Complete with an old farm woman tending her conservatory."
Doris: "Um, Grandmother, these are my friends, Clarice and Frankie Bloor."
May: "How do you do? Are you related to Senator Bloor?"
Bloor1: "Our grandfather."
May: "He was a fine speaker; he'll be missed in the senate."
Toppy: "Well, we have to shake a leg. Doris likes to be the first through the gate at the fair."
Bloor1: "Have you anything entered, Mrs. Bailey? Pickles... needlework..."
Bloor2: "Chickens..."
Doris: "Grandmother is past president and honorary patron."
May: "Doris, I'm sure you and your friends would like go to upstairs and freshen up after your long journey."
Toppy: "Doris won a second once. Junior baking. Wore that ribbon to threads. Only took it off for Saturday bath nights."
Grace: "Doris! Hi all! Oh, gee, I'd really love to chat but it's nearly time for me to open the fair and I really must dash. Well! Anything to say to me, Mother?"
May: "Yes, I have, Grace. I'll meet you at the podium at a quarter to the hour."
Grace: "A quarter to the hour... anything else?"
May: "No dear."
Grace: ~mutters to herself~ "Best of luck, Grace. Oh, you'll do fine, Grace. No, I'm sure you can do it."

~Pool Hall~
Buck: "Aren't you going over to the fair?"
Hub: "No."
Tony: "I hear your ma's in the beauty contest."
Hub: "So what if she is?"
Tony: "Aren't you going to cheer your old lady on?"
Buck: "Go mama! Get hot!"

~Livestock Exchange~
Honey: "Hello, Mr. Findlay."
Tucker: "Oh, hi."
Honey: "How's business?"
Tucker: "Oh, it always starts a little slow, everybody too busy seeing who won what."
Honey: "Oh yeah."
Grace: "For goodness sake, Honey, please hurry! The contest starts in fifteen minutes."
Honey: "Oh, well, excuse me."
Archie: "Mr. Findlay? Here's the film."
Tucker: "Oh, thank you, friend. Listen, I'm going to be moving on to the next fair as soon as this one ends. Instead of cash out front what I've worked out with other pharmacists is a partnership deal."
Archie: "Well, how does that work?"
Tucker: "Well, I take the pictures and you handle the film and the development for a cut."
Archie: "Uh... what kind of cut?"
Tucker: "Split each, fifty fifty."
Archie: "You get a dollar a piece for taking all the pictures?"
Tucker: "And you get the other one."
Archie: "Yeah, but, one dollar for a photographer of your caliber!"
Tucker: "Well, it's nothing like what I get for Vanity Lane, but you're doing me a favor, Archie."
Archie: "Okay."
Tucker: "Great."
Toppy: "You-who, Archie! Guess who's home from school!"
Tucker: "Who are the debutantes?"
Archie: "Oh, that's Toppy Bailey and her daughter Doris."
Tucker: "Bailey is a pretty big name in this town."
Archie: "Oh, the biggest. The Baileys own the silver mine in this town."
Grace: "Oh, hello! Hello! Hello! Hello, and- Hello, hello! I'm sorry- I don't think anybody can hear- can anybody hear me? Oh, yes?"
~lady plays piano~
Grace: "Welcome! Welcome to the first annual beautiful mother and baby pageant. Um, our theme, as you know is The Sun Never Sets. Oh, and um, our distinguished judge is Mr. Alden Cramp who is the editor of the New Bedford Chronicle and self-appointed expert on beauty. And the grand prize is a free photographic portrait from Mr. Tucker Findlay, the renowned Toronto photographer. So, without further ado, contestant number one representing the exotic subcontinent of India."
~lady plays tune, and a mother and baby come out~
Grace: "Thank you! Contestant number two representing the bonny highlands of Scotland."
~Lady plays Scotland the Brave and a mother and baby come out~
Grace: "Contestant number three is... um... is Holland which actually isn't... it's not really a... uh... what the heck. Holland."
~lady plays a tune, lady and baby come out~
Grace: "Contestant number four representing the people of old Singapore."
~lady plays a tune and Mrs. Yuen and her child come out~
Grace: "And finally contestant number five representing the Dominion of Canada."
~lady plays a tune and Honey and Zack come out~
Fat: "Yay! Way to go, Mom!"
Grace: "Thank you so much! Well, thank you to all of our contestants. I'm sure that this will be a very difficult decision. Oh! Our judge has made his final decision. Thank you, Mr. Cramp. And the winner is... Mrs. Lee Chun Yeun and her daughter Charlotte."
Max: "It's okay. Come on, clap."
Grace: "Congratulations. Congratulations to all of our contestants."
Max: "Clap for your mom."
Fat: "Yay, Mom! You should have won!"
Honey: "Well, next year you be the judge. Oh, Max, you shouldn't be spending money on this."
Max: "And why not?"
Tucker: "You were made for the camera. Perfect, hold it."
Max: "You should listen to the man, Honey."
Tucker: "You don't find a complexions like this in the city. Those society types, they're sour faces. They look like they tried to suck a lemon through a wire fence."
Honey: "Someone is getting really fussy. Come on, sweetheart! There! Come on! Yeah. That a boy. Come on."
~Honey crosses her leg, causing her skirt to rise up. Tucker notices~
Tucker: "Great! Hold it! We're all done."
Honey: "Well, has anyone seen Hub?"
Fat: "No."
Honey: "Well, Mr. Cramp wants you boys to deliver a fall fair extra tomorrow. Do you mind?"
Fat: "No."
Honey: "Okay, I'll see you at home."
Max: "Where are you going?"
Honey: "I just want Hub to know. Here, you take the baby, okay? There! There's your brother."

~Pool Hall~
~man whistles when Honey enters~
Buck: "Hey guys, it's the Mounties!"
Hub: "Mom, they don't allow women in here."
Honey: "I'm a mother. So, this is what the pool hall looks like, huh? I was expecting something a little bit more exciting to keep you away from the fair."
Hub: "Mom, you gotta go."
Honey: "Hi, boys."
Tony: "Hi, Sergeant."
Honey: "I told Mr. Cramp that you and Fat would deliver the Chronicle tomorrow morning."
Hub: "Fine."
Honey: "Now, don't be late for dinner."
Hub: "Mom."
Honey: "Oh, Tony, there's something caught behind your ere."
~Tony reaches, and pulls out a cigarette~

~May's Parlor~
Toppy: "Grace, your first day as grand puba was a big success."
Grace: "Except the pie table collapsing, go ahead and say it, Mother. Say it!"
~Toppy turns on the radio~
May: "Good earth, what is that?"
~Toppy dances~
Doris: "Mother!"
Toppy: "Lets cut a rock! Come on! Grace, lets show the girls a few steps for that dance tomorrow."
~the Bloor girls look amused~
May: "Grace, I think I'll take my bedtime thimble of Cherie up to my room and leave the young people to enjoy their music."
~Doris rolls her eyes~
May: "Toppy, you come along as well."
Toppy: "Oh, we girls will stay put. How about some cards? Rummy? Snap? Doris, you love snap!"
Doris: "We'd like to talk."
Toppy: "Talk, sure!"
~the girls are silent and Doris motions with her eyes for Toppy to leave~
Toppy: "Oh... oh, well... I'll be in the kitchen."
~cut to kitchen~
Toppy: "I'm trying. I want you to be happy, but I don't know what you want."
Doris: "That's because you don't know me anymore."
Toppy: "Don't say that. It's about me and daddy, isn't it, baby."
Doris: "Don't call me baby. That's what Daddy calls me."
Toppy: "You blame me, don't you. I know you want us back together, Doris, and we will be. We really will. Soon. You'll see."
Doris: "Life is not a fairy tale, Mother. Sometimes the endings aren't happy."
~cut to parlor~
Bloor1: "Your mother seemed distressed."
Bloor2: "I'm sure the pressure of a small town on a femme-fatale must be a killer."
Doris: "I have a confession. Ever since school started I've been lying about my mother. ~Toppy listens through the grate~ I guess if my world was going to come apart, a grand tragedy of a ?? romance. Anything but dull and ordinary. My mothers not a sophisticated, gay divorcÚ. She's as dull and small-towned as anybody around here."

~Sutton's Apartment~
~Hub enters~
Honey: "Where have you been, Hub, it's ten o'clock."
Hub: "I was out."
Honey: "Well, you'd better get to bed. You have to be at the Chronicle at seven in the morning."
Hub: "Fine."
Honey: "Hey, you're not even going to give your mom a good night kiss?"
Hub: "I haven't been smoking, if that's what you're doing. Thanks for trusting me."
~Hub enters his room~
Max: "Honey, it's just a pool hall."
Honey: "Max, I have a brother who used to hang around there, I know what goes on."
Max: "I just think you're being too hard on him."
Honey: "Well, Max, I'm his mother."

~Alden and Tucker look at the photo of Honey's exposed leg~
Alden: "Oh, my my!"
Tucker: "Mmm-hmm. Max Sutton is one lucky fellow. There's your front page, right there."
Alden: "Oh, the Yuens won the contest. They should be page one."
Tucker: "Oh, come on, the Toronto dailies print racier stuff than that every day. Go on, take it!"
Alden: "What's in it for you?"
Tucker: "Quarter page ad."
Alden: "I'll give you credit in the cut-line."
Tucker: "Mention my photos for Vanity Lane."
Alden: "Eh... it'll wake the town up tomorrow."

~Main Street~
Fat: "Hey, Hub, Look at the front page!"
Hub: "Hey, look!"
Fat: "It's Mom and Zack! They're famous!"
~Hub scowls at the paper and chucks his stack in the trash~

~Sutton Apartment~
~Fat races in~
Fat: "Mom! Look! Mom! Momma! Look!"
Honey: ~gasps~ "Oh! Good lord!"
Max: "Mrs. Sutton! Whew!"
Honey: "Oh, Max!"
Max: "What! Oh, come on, Honey, I told you! I'm married to the most beautiful woman in New Bedford."
Fat: "You're the best, Mom!"

~May's Dinning Room~
May: "Grace! Was that Henry? What was he yelling about?"
Grace: "Oh, you know boys, yell, yell, yell."
May: "Grace, are you sitting on the newspaper?"
~Grace sighs, gives May a look, and hands May the paper~
May: "Oh, good lord, help us all!"
Bloor1: "Well, it is good publicity for the family beauty shop."

~Pool Hall~
~Buck hangs up the photo~
Buck: "The old lady's got a set of pins, Hub."
Hub: "Give me that!"
Buck: "Hey! Get off!"
Tony: "She ought to come down here more often."
Hub: "Fork it over!"
Tony: "Hey! Want to make something of it, Hub, huh?"
~the boys tussle~
Alden: "Not until I'm done with him. Hey! Come on! I've got a bone ot pick with you, young fellow."

~Main Street~
Lady: "Mr. Sutton."
Man: "Whew-who!"
Max: "Keep waiting, fellas! She's all mine!"
Honey: "Max! I feel like people are looking right through me."
Lady: "I hardly recognize her with her knees covered."

~May's Home~
Doris: "Where is she? Mother!"
Toppy: "I am who I am. The locals be hanged. I must be me, very fall fair, wouldn't you say, girls?"

~Livestock Exchange~
Max: "Mr. Findlay! Great photograph!"
Tucker: "It's a great face!"
Max: "I'd say!"
Honey: "Oh, Max."
Tucker: "I wish I had more shots without the whole Mounty get up. I tell you!"
Max: "Oh?"
Tucker: "I like to keep an eye out for fresh faces. I do scouting for the Bright-light Soaps people."
Max: "Bright-light Soap people really?"
Tucker: "They're always looking for a face with it for their billboards and soap boxes."
Honey: "Oh, I've done too much posing already."
Max: "Honey, it's the man's business!"
Tucker: "All I need is a few more shots, something to take back to the city."
Honey: "Oh, I don't know."
Tucker: "You know, I am so confident I would cut my session fee in half."
Honey: "Fee?"
Tucker: "Well, normally it's twenty dollars for portfolio quality..."
Honey: "Twenty dollars!"
Tucker: "But I would do it for ten and I would take the pictures to Bright-light studios myself."
Honey: "Oh no, Max, it's too expensive."
Tucker: "Who was on the cover today's paper? Do you know that Bright-light would pay maybe fifty dollars for one picture? But, it's up to the lady."
Max: "Honey, you stay and do the sitting and I'll go home and get the money."
Tucker: "Max is a nice guy."
Honey: "Yeah, he is."
Tucker: "A school teacher."
Honey: "Mmm-hmm."
Tucker: "You know if Bright-Lights like this, they'll bring you to Toronto. First class hotel, the whole suite."
Honey: "Oh, really?"
Tucker: "Hold that smile. What?"
Honey: "That's enough."
Tucker: "What is?"
Honey: "Keep your mitts off of me. I don't want your pictures that badly."
Tucker: "Don't you?"
Honey: "I could yell so loud that this whole hall could hear me."
Tucker: "Yell what? That I put my hand on your knee? The famous leg you flashed through all of New Bedford?"
Honey: "You've got brass, mister."
Tucker: "Go ahead and holler if I'm so wrong."
~Honey exits the booth~
Fat: "Mom! Mom! Come quickly! Mr. Cramp's got Hub!"
Honey: "What do you mean, got him?"
Fat: "Come on! Come on!"
Archie: "Tucker!"
Tucker: "How you doing, partner?"
Archie: "I was just saying that Mrs. Bailey should get her photo taken."
Toppy: "Archie, in this?"
Tucker: "Good going, Archie! I must have told you, did I, that I'm looking for a new feature."
Archie: "A feature!"
Tucker: "On socialites of Ontario."
Toppy: "Socialites? Ontario is a big province, I'm sure they're lots of us."
Tucker: "It's for Vanity Lane."

Honey: "What's going on here? Alden?"
Alden: "Your son has a lot to learn about honest labor. He tried to ditch half of my extras in the trash can."
Honey: "Hub, why would you do that?"
Hub: "Why would you think?"
Honey: "I asked you."
Hub: "They made you look cheap."
Fat: "They did not!"
Alden: "Easy, son."
Hub: "The whole town's laughing at you, Mom."
Honey: "Go home, Hub. We'll talk about it there. Fat, you go too."
~the boys leave~
Alden: "Honey... I'm sorry for any grief this might have caused you."
Honey: ~gives Alden a look, then leaves~

~Tucker's Booth~
Toppy: "What's wrong?"
Tucker: "Nothing! Definitely Vanity Lane materiel. Give me that profile again. Yes! Those features. That neck!"
Toppy: "But this dress! I could wear something else! And my pearls, they were a gift from my husband. I'd like him to see me in them. Are you sure Vanity Lane would publish my portrait?"
Tucker: "My retainer fee is fifty dollars."
Toppy: "Fifty!"
Tucker: "Society sitings are many cuts above the regular fair stuff. Fifty dollars isn't a problem for you, is it?"
Toppy: "I might have it at the house."
Tucker: "I should photograph you at your house anyway, amongst your heirlooms and antiques."
Toppy: "If we are going to do this, then maybe we should do this tomorrow. My mother-in-law is usually out Sunday afternoons."
Tucker: "I'm going to be moving out tomorrow afternoon after the fair finishes."
Toppy: "Maybe we just shouldn't do this then."
Tucker:"No! No! I can't leave without your picture in my portfolio. We'll do this sitting tomorrow afternoon."
Toppy: "I'll have your money then. Thank you, Mr. Findlay."
Tucker: "Thank you."

~May's Parlor~
~we see the Bloor girls messing with May's cheri~
Doris: "Vanity Lane! That's so exciting!"
Toppy: "I'm glad you feel excited. Doris, I'm sorry we had words."
Doris: "Uh, it's okay."
Toppy: "I've been carrying this around all weekend."
Doris: "Your charm bracelet!"
Toppy: "I know it's not your birthday, but we are never alone. When my mother gave this to me... so here... I just want you to be happy, baby- Doris."
Doris: "I know. I know you do."
Toppy: "I just wish we could spend more time together."
Doris: "You'll have to remind me where each charm came from."
Toppy: "Of course! Listen, why don't we plan your party?"
Doris: "Yes!"
Bloor1: "we're ready!"
Doris: "But some other time! We're off to the big dance."
Toppy: "Well, don't be too late. Oh! What the heck, be as late as you want."

~Main Street~
Max: "So I get back to the photo booth and you're gone. Did you get cold feet?"
Honey: "Something like that."
Max: "Hello... tell me what's on your mind, is it Hub?"
Honey: "Well, I know he was upset, but he shouldn't have taken those newspapers. That Tony Perriti character... did you know that his brother was in jail once?"
Max: "You know, Honey, something I've learned about boys, they can live up to your expectations or live down to your expectations. Hey, Archie, are you on your way over to the dance?"
Archie: "Uh, you haven't seen Tucker Findlay, have you? He was supposed to leave me with film to be developed."
Max: "Well, if we see him we'll let him know you're waiting for him."
Archie: "Well, he's got the money and all..."
Honey: "You know, Archie, I'd go look for him if I were you, Archie. He doesn't seem to be too trustworthy."
Archie: "Well, Tuckers all right, don't you think?"
Honey: "Well, I- I guess I'm just not the trusting type."

~May's Parlor~
~May sits on the couch with her Cherie and the newspaper~
~she takes a sip of the Cherie and makes a face~
May: "Watered! Huh!"

~Doris and the Bloor girls are drinking~
Doris: "She wants me to come back to New Bedford to live with her and I can't! How could I? I'd die!"
Bloor1: "Once mamas in Vanity Lane this town will be too small for her too!"
Bloor2: "Yee-up! Paris will call!"
Bloor1: "I see London, I see France, I see Frankie's..."
Doris: "Oh, come on! It's not that funny!"
~May pulls up~
May: "Good grief, Doris! Is this what they teach you girls at boarding school? Get up from there, the lot of you! Doris, I am very disappointed in you."

~May's Home~
May: "After church I'm going to take those girls straight to the relief kitchen."
Toppy: "If you don't mind, Mother Bailey, I'll come home straight after church and start on dinner."
Grace: "And I have a few items that I have to return back to the hall."
May: "I'll manage the unholy trinity. A few hours scrubbing pots will do them a world of good. Straighten up and off we go."

~Back Steps of Hotel~
Archie: "Honey! Max!"
Max: "Whoa! Arch!"
Archie: "I've looked every where. I just feel sick. I mean, all those people will expect me to have all those pictures."
Max: "Whoa, Arch, what are you saying?"
Archie: "Tucker! He skipped out on me!"

~Sutton's Apartment~
~Archie's on the phone~
Archie: "Long distance, please. For North Bridge. Uh, yes, uh, Winslow's Pharmacy- Oh! No! Make that Bill Winslow at home. I cannot believe that Tucker snookered me like that. What a chump I am!"
Max: "Why didn't you tell me?"
Honey: "Well, I guess I thought you'd notice."
Archie: "It's ringing!"
Max: "Notice a guy looking at my girl? Honey, it happens all the time. I trust you."
Archie: "Hi, hello, Bill! Uh, yes, it's Archie. Uh, Attenborough. Yup, well, not so good, Bill. Tell me, what do you know about a Tucker Findlay?"
Grace: "Hello! Honey, guess who forgot her second place ribbon yesterday. Gee, is something wrong?"
Max: "Yup. Findlay skipped town."
Grace: "Tucker Findlay?"
Archie: "Well, he's pulled the same stunt here! ... The rotten bounder!"
Max: "What, Archie?"
Archie: "Not only is he a fraud, but Bill says he... he made free with a female clerk."
Honey: "I should have punched that weasel when I had the chance."
Grace: "Wait, Mr. Findlay? He didn't skip town, he's doing a portrait of Toppy for Vanity Lane. They're up at the house!"
Max: "Right now?"
Archie: "Gotta go, Bill!"
Honey: "Here, uh, you watch the kids, Hub."
Hub: "No way! Fat, you watch them."
Fat: "Why me?"
Honey: "Stay with your brother, okay?"

~May's Parlor~
Toppy: "Last night I lay awake thinking 'Wait until Bob sees me in Vanity Lane. Then he'd know he's missing something special."
Tucker: "You don't have to be in a magazine to be something special."
Toppy: "I know. Frankly, I'm not even sure that Bob would even care. I woke up knowing that."
Tucker: "But you want the sitting anyway?"
Toppy: "For Doris. Well... I just... want her to be proud of me. Betcha think that keeping your daughter happy is a silly reason for having your picture taken."
Tucker: "Actually, it's the best one that I've ever heard. Perfect. Hold it right there. Lovely."

May: "You girls have worked hard. You grandfather would be proud of you today."
Grace: "Mother!"
May: "Hubert, what on earth?"
Grace: "Mother! Mother! Get in the car!"
May: "Grace, what is it?"
Grace: "Toppy's in trouble!"
May: "What is it, Grace?"

~May's Parlor~
Toppy: "Here's your fifty dollars. What issue might I be in?"
~they hear honking~
Toppy: "Good grief! What is that?"
Tucker: "Uh... here, take this."
~Tucker grabs his things and runs~
Archie: "Where's Findlay?"
Honey: "Where's Findlay?"
~Archie runs off~
Honey: "Are you okay?"
Toppy: "Yes."
Max: "You! Stop!"
~the men chase Findlay around the house- Hub leaps and catches Findlay~
Hub: "Stop!"
Tucker: "Ah! Get off me!"
Honey: "Hub, be careful!"
Tucker: "Get off me, kid, you're killing me!"
Hub: "You tried to make a fool out of my mom."
Max: "Come on, Hub, it's okay. We got him! It's okay."
Tucker: "You've got no right!"
Archie: "Where's my share of the fees?"
Tucker: "It's in my car, you're going to get it."
Archie: "The deal, partner, was for last night."
Tucker: "Look, I got delayed. I was on my way there after here."
Hub: "Here, I'll go find it."
Tucker: "It's true!"
Honey: "Oh, why should we believe you after what you did in North Bridge."
Tucker: "Oh, come on, they're going to get their pictures. It's all a big misunderstanding. You've got nothing on me."
Honey: "You took advantage of innocent, decent people!"
Tucker: "Spare me the sob, will ya? Look, people want to look like they feel they're special. I tell them they are."
Honey: "You took their money!"
Tucker: "They get what they wanted! It's a fair exchange. You got your picture in your paper; she wanted to impress your daughter. What is the big crime in that?"
May: "What on earth is going on here?"
Hub: "I found the film and the money."
Tucker: "See now, look, you got everything you want, now can I have my camera back, please?"
Honey: "You don't have to do this! You have talent! You shouldn't waste it!"
~Honey hands back his camera~
Honey: "Now, get in your car and drive."
May: "Who is going to explain this to me?"

~Main Street~
~Toppy is delivering the girls at the train station~
Archie: "Grace Bailey! What's this I hear about you giving fair space to a flim-flam artist?"
Grace: "Mr. Cramp, Tucker Findlay has turned over the money and the film to Archie Attenborough so all the photos will be available at Stutts as promised."
Archie: "Well, then, let a near miss be a good lesson. I'm afraid though when I write my Fall Fair wrap up editorial I'm going to have to mention that."
Grace: "Oh no, Mr. Cramp, please don't!"
Archie: "You can't be all wide eyed, Grace, and have the responsibility of running the fair."
May: "Mr. Cramp, who promoted this unsavory character, giving him front page cover in your newspaper?"
Archie: "Now, Mrs Bailey..."
May: "Singing his praises when you didn't know the man better than Adam's neighbor."
Archie: "That was uh..."
May: "My daughter ran a first-rate fair. I don't know a single person in New Bedford who could have done better and I could not be more proud of Grace. Now, print that in your newspaper, Mr. Cramp. Good day. What is it, Grace?"
Grace: "You're proud of me?"
May: "I said so."
Grace: "Really proud?"
May: "Grace, you know I don't believe in swelling your head with pride."
Grace: "Say it, Mother. Say it to me."
May: "Oh, lord."
Grace: "Mother, say it, or I swear I'll give you a big kiss in the middle of the street."
May: "I'm proud of you, Grace. Now, get in the car."
~cut to train station~
Doris: "I thought were going to be hurt."
Toppy: "Oh, I'm pretty tough. I'm just not very sophisticated. I can't be something I'm not. I'll always be your dull, old mom."
Doris: "I'm so sorry. It's... I'm just scared and... mixed up."
Toppy: "I know. We never did plan your party. You don't want a party, do you?"
Doris: "What if you came down to Toronto and spent a weekend? You and me."
Toppy: "Deal."
~Doris begins to walk away, then turns back and hugs Toppy~
~Toppy motions for Doris to keep her chin up~

~Sutton Apartment~
Max: "Well, Archie calls all the pharmacists in the area and Grace calls all the local fairs he may have to make all of his income off of photography."
Honey: "Well, he is awfully good. Maybe he'll straighten himself out. Wouldn't that be your advice? Think the best of him."
Hub: "What?"
Honey: "Nothing. You were awfully brave, defending your old ma's honor."
Fat: "Oh, Mr. Cramp brought this. He said it's the original picture."
~everyone groans~
Honey: "Lets burn this thing."
Hub: "No, keep it, Mom. Here, autograph it."
Fat: "Yeah!"
Honey: "You nuts?"
Max: "Please."

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